A few jokes and some Cowboy wisdom for you to ponder. A man owned a small vineyard in Lockwood. An EDD agent from Sacramento came down to interview him to investigate a claim made by a neighbor that he was't paying proper wages to his help. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent!" "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600/week plus free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $400 a week plus free room and board." "Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10/week and give him free wine," replied the man. "That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," demands the agent. The man says, "That'd be me." A farmer brings home a virile young rooster for his flock of hens. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, you old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can’t handle ALL of these hens. Look what it’s done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You’re washed up and I’m taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. But, just to be fair I’ll give you a head start." So the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He’s already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and – BOOM! - blows the young rooster away. The farmer then sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... That’s the third gay rooster I bought this month." A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, andpigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws." Q: How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? A: Unique Up On It. Q: How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? A: Tame Way, Unique Up On It. Q: What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? A: Dam! Q: Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? A: Right Where You Left Him. Q: What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? A: Spoiled Milk. Q: How Are a Texas Tornado And a Lockwood Divorce The Same? A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Q: What do you do when you find yourself in a hole? A: Stop digging. A teacher is reading the story of Chicken Little to her class and comes to the part where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.. The teacher reads, "..and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused and asked the class, "What do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raises her hand and says, "I think the farmer said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" At the end of a long day on the trail, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, stop for the night to make camp. They quickly get their tent set up, and fall sound asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion and says,"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars, Kemosabi." "What does that tell you?" asked the Lone Ranger Tonto ponders for a minute and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tell me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets. Astrologically, it tell me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be about a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi ? " The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment and then looks at Tonto and says, "Tonto, you dumb ass, someone stole our tent!" An old farmer out in the country had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked".... "I'm just here to feed the alligator. |
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